brother, jackson, jacob, kids

Beautiful and heartbreaking

I feel compelled to describe a moment that has, at least momentarily, brought so much meaning to my life in this trying and tiresome time.

Jackson made something at school. It was in a brown paper bag, emblazoned with glittery stickers, and he was really excited about it. As soon as he climbed into the car, he told me that he had a present. For Jacob! He couldn’t wait to pick his brother up from school and have him open it up.

Inside, Jacob pulls out a clear ball ornament on which Jackson has made a white-painted handprint, and turned each finger into a snowman with markers. Jacob smiles sweetly and tells his brother how wonderful this ornament is. “I made the snowmans all by myself!” Jackson proclaims.

“Are you sure you don’t want to give this to mommy?” Jacob asks.

“No. I made it for you because you’re the best brother.”

My heart swelling with pride and affection I watch as this love-fest continues; Jacob praising Jackson’s artistic talent, and Jackson telling Jacob how much he deserves the gift. It’s really cute, and I am reflecting on the fact that I get to enjoy this ornament on my own Christmas tree, with its darling little finger-prints, as Jacob decides he will place it on said tree so we can al enjoy it.

He takes a couple of steps and something happens. The ornament slips from his hand and explodes on the brick floor, turning almost to dust in an instant. Jacob immediately starts wailing with sadness and anger. Jackson freezes, looks at the broken glass and his crying brother, and runs up the stairs in tears. I hear anguished sobs coming from the direction of his room. My heart breaks for each of them at the same time. Oh and the ornament. It’s destroyed. Three tiny pieces remain on which you can see the hand drawn faces of the “snowmans.”

I take Jacob into my arms, but he cannot be consoled. “I am the worst brother!” He yelps. “I don’t deserve to be given nice things! He made this for me! Out of love! And I BROKE IT!” He cries until his face is bright red, veins protruding from either side of his neck, so much like his father when he is angry. I call Jackson down and ask him why he is crying. Is it because the ornament is broken? “No!” He cries, followed by an unintelligible cluster of words. “What?” I ask.

“I’m. Sad. Because I. Have emotions. For other people!” He spits out, sad and frustrated. This is the big reveal. He’s not sad that the ornament is broken, his work gone and his kind gesture spread in pieces on the floor. He is simply sad because his brother is sad and cannot be consoled. His brother is sad and he can’t make him feel better, can’t do anything about it. All he wants from life right now is for Jacob not to be sad.

“I’ll stay at school as late as I have to and make you another one!” He promises.

I sit with Jacob. I explain to him that his brother isn’t disappointed in him, or angry that he dropped the gift, just experiencing empathy in a beautiful and pure way. His description of empathy is perfect for a five-year-old: he has emotions for other people, and right now, he feels the sadness and anger that Jacob is experiencing, and he wants to make it better. I tell him that the reason the ornament was special wasn’t because the object itself was special; it was made special by the love of the maker for him. The ornament is just a thing, just a symbol of the love that made you view it as precious. The love of a little boy for his big brother. And that little boy is crying quietly over there, so badly wanting you to be okay, and I think what he needs is for you to sit with him, and tell him that everything will be alright, whether or not you feel that way right now.

Because it will be, of course. Jackson is still here, he can still take his little hand and coat it in white paint and make another set of snowmans. And even if that one was to break, we have our memory of it, and the knowledge of that love and excitement, and that is what really matters. We still have that, and always will.

I would be lying if I said that I didn’t think wistfully of my own brother, or my sister-in-law, and the things I wish I had, from them, to hold on to. Sometimes things are all you have left that are tangible, and that makes them precious. You feel the need to touch and hold something to reassure yourself that it is real. As I swept up the tiny shards of glass I thought about that compulsion to hold something in one’s hand and feel reassured by the solid physicality of it. How unnecessary that is, when all that matters can be felt and remembered, even if no part of it can be seen or felt.

We have, inside of us all, the mementos and treasures of a million special moments. With this story, I have added one more.

The next day at school pickup, Jackson came to the car with another brown bag. This one had two ornaments he had made that day. I hung one on the tree and tucked the other away for safekeeping. Apparently I don’t trust the faulty computer hard drive of my memory. I just want to know that, if I need to, I can hold that ornament in my hand and remember the beauty of this moment in time. I don’t need the thing, but I want it just the same.

jackson, kids

Jackson is 5

It’s always hard to summarize a year in my children’s’ lives. So much happens, they change and grow so much, and my heart expands to make room for the new facets of their personalities, like jewels I am uncovering day by day. Jackson is…precocious. He is sweet, kind, tender hearted, fearless, scary, honest, wild, shy, caring, protective, snuggly, and talkative. Sometimes I can’t believe how beautiful he is, and that he is my little boy. How did such a beauty come from the likes of josh and I? (With no offense to josh and plenty to me). His face is perfect, like a doll’s, and he has the teeniest, squeakiest voice you could ever hear. I call him my squeaky mouse and revel in the darling, staccato notes of his words. He has these amazing eyes: blue and bright white, round and perfect like marbles. His eyelashes are long and full, and his cheeks have the perfect amount of “squish” to them to feel delicious pressed against my face or shoulder. He is no longer the chubby baby or round toddler, but a skinny-legged creature; a little boy in the truest sense of the term. He can be frustrating and insistent. He can seem cruel at times, when he tells me with complete honesty that I am not his favorite. But then, when he does tell me he loves me, I know it is equally honest and heartfelt. My heart melts. He is my forever baby and I love him so. Once again, words don’t come close to describing his wonderfulness, his soft skin, his sweet voice. You just have to know him, and I am so blessed that I do.

Watch the slideshow I made for this special guy, and a fabulous YouTube video of his birthday parade made by our friend , Devon.

Birthday parade

Watch the movie here